Now that I had a good cry let me begin this weekend’s journey. Everything began Friday. i never felt so alone. everyone had someone and all i felt was tension. My ex friend of course was loving the fact that I had no one there to defend me. But she didn’t know that I can defend myself. Then later that night i stayed at my boyfriend’s house. At his house I felt no worries, no bad feelings, just happiness. I felt like everything was falling into place and the plans we’re making for the future sounded like they would all work out. To bad I didn’t remember that this isn’t a movie We stayed home all Saturday and then Sunday I didn’t want to leave, but i made a promise to my nephew. When I left i couldn’t help, but think about how much I want a future with him. When I got to meet up with my bestfriend, her sister and my sobrino I was fine. I was in a lot of pain and very dizzy and the noise at Chuckie Cheese wasn’t very helpful. After the party, we went to the movies and saw act like a man. I cried. Why? because i’ve been in all of those positions before. With the cheater and the dreamer and the one who doesn’t commit. and i couldn’t believe how lucky I am to have someone I can trust. After we were chilling in Mike the Cab Driver’s car and I’m with my girls thinking how this is how everything should be. Us, happy, with no cares or concerns. Again, that’s me thinking life is like a fairy tale. Then something happens concerning my best friend and she’s upset. so i get upset because she’s like my little sister. And then my dad starts some fight with me because I have a boyfriend or whatever. Like i’m so done with school and everything. My dad doesn’t want to come to graduation. He doesnt want to see my prom dress. He doesnt want me to go to a good college. He doesnt want to meet my boyfriend or get to know me. He doesnt want to support me and my decisions- whether right or wrong. My grandma asked me why dont I ever give up on my dad. I ask myself that question all the time. He’s the reason I don’t have hope. Because I put all my hope in him and he let’s me down all the time. and it takes so much out of me. It’s like this giant blow to my self esteem and confidence. That’s why I am so insecure, because he has such a negative outlook on everything I do. All i really want is for him to show some kind of interest in me. He complains about my boyfriend leaving me hickies and me needing self respect. Maybe if he was there to teach me about self respect and setting standards I would be looking at everything way differently. One thing I learned was to defend myself because I’m alone. He left me all alone. He made that choice when he decided to cheat on my mom and put work in front of all his other priorities. “Come to my job, and then we’ll have a better relationship” or “Your boyfriend came between us, without him now we can have a relationship” There i was working for him and single and where did I land after that. Behind all of his star students and his music. The only man I ever expected to put me as a priority let me down again. Nothing new. All i can say is that tonight my eyes were opened. I can’t live this fairytale life where i get the guy and have my bestfriend and my family there behind me. I can’t get the dream job, i cant get the cake and eat it too. I need to be realistic. I’m really ready to give up on prom, graduation, my future, everything. Now I remember why I hate being home, because the people who live here are the people I don’t want to turn into The “Dreads and Drearies” (not to quote Michael Alig, But…) . I want to do something I love, be the person that can wake up and look in the mirror and be happy at what’s looking back. but as of right now everything is screwed up and confusing and I can’t even think about looking in the mirror because I’ll see someone I don’t like someone who lost herself to society, to the “dreads and drearies.”
